I just turned 28 and I am still single.
This weekend that was made abundantly clear to me. Not by one individual pointing it out.
I just felt the loneliness in full swing this weekend. It started as I was browsing all my social media looking at picture after picture of someone I know’s baby, kids, family, wedding, baby/wedding shower, kid’s birthday party, kid’s sporting event, etc. Then there were posts about anniversaries and dates, and, well, you see what I’m saying.
I felt bombarded. Not one post did I read saying, “today’s my 1 year anniversary of being single! Let’s celebrate!”
And I just lost it as I was driving around doing things alone. Again. I cried and I told God how much the loneliness hurts sometimes. And here it is again; just typing that statement brought tears to my eyes.
That’s a really vulnerable statement for me to make. You see, for the most part, I try to hide the fact that I don’t like being single. I try to be strong and put on a happy face, because I have this idea that this is what I am supposed to do as a single Christian – I’m supposed to be joyful and cheery, and be okay just how my life is, because obviously this is what God has for me.
I don’t know that I think so anymore.
I have prayed and prayed that if God does not will for me to have a family or to be married, that he would remove that [strong] desire from my heart. I don’t want to want what he doesn’t want for me.
But here I am, and the desire seems just as strong as when I first prayed that many years ago.
And here I am still very single.
I have a confession: I haven’t been doing single well.
You may have ready my last post about online dating. So I’ve tried that. I have also dated a lot of people (okay by a lot I mean probably a handful. Whether or not that is a lot is a matter of opinion, I suppose) who really I knew I shouldn’t be dating. I spent money on frivolous things because I had the money to spend. I have been very selfish with my time, because, well, there is no one else I should be giving it to… right?
I think all of those ways I have been living my life were wrong.
I’m ready to doing single well. To do single with intentionality and purpose.
To give my time to those who need my time. To give my money to causes that could benefit from it well.
It’s not my time nor is it my money. If I claim my life belongs to God then why am acting as the God of my own life – dating or otherwise?
I’m still processing all of this. I’m figuring out what intentional and purposeful singleness looks like.
I’ll keep you updated.
single – for those that are and those that aren’t (another post I wrote with some good links regarding singleness in the church)