Phew. This is a tender and tough post for me to write. The rough season I’m coming out of is the result of a fantastic relationship I probably never should’ve been in, and the falling apart of that relationship. It is still fresh and new, and as I write this post about a month post-break-up, I’m not sure when I’ll be posting it.
To begin, I started the relationship on cloud nine. He and I were so happy, so excited to be together, pursuing each other and pursing adventure together. We had three solid months where I felt like the only girl in the world, looking at the only man I ever wanted to look at again. There was one major problem – he was not a Christian, I considered my relationship with Christ key to my life. But, I started negotiating this fact, thinking if I just kept praying for him and eventually asked him to come to church with me, our relationship would one day be shared with Christ and everything would be rainbows and butterflies.
Wrong. First of all, I never gathered the courage to ask him to church with me. Okay, what relationship is really a life-time relationship (like we talked about ours being) if you are scared them to ask your other half to participate in something that you claim to be so crucial to your existence? Easy to say now, tough to think about in the midst of the relationship. Second, this man who pursued me and treated me so well during the start of our relationship slowly started slipping away. We would have these conversations about our relationship and the words he said told me he wanted me just the same as the first day he saw me. Oh, but his actions. His actions showed me other things were starting to become more important to him than me and our relationship together. He continued to state his desire to love me forever but he continued to show me he wasn’t so sure anymore, mostly without him claiming to even realize it. Just writing those words is still tough.
So, the last half or three-fourths of our relationship I unknowingly was grieving the loss of our relationship while still fighting for our relationship. So, when we broke up it was very, very difficult but it was also mutual. We both knew we had lost something that was needed to sustain this relationship. We knew it had finally come to an end. It was heart breaking and tough, but so quickly after the conversation to end things I was so full of joy and peace.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been through similar situations before. Maybe it’s because I’m older and more mature. Maybe it is because the breakup was mature and without any nasty actions or words. Or maybe, it’s because months earlier God had prompted me to start praying He would open and close doors in our relationship.
Like I said, I started noticing a change awhile back. I would bring it up and my boyfriend and I would talk about it, and I’d see him make an effort for a day or two, and then I’d feel unloved once again. While it seems like such a good reason to get out, it was hard because we also had so many good things about our relationship. But God prompted me to pray, and I didn’t even know what I was supposed to be praying for. Eventually, it became clear and I needed to move out of the relationship, no matter my feelings for this man. God was pulling us apart. God was pulling us apart because He had more planned for me.
Hear that! God had allowed me to stray away from His plan for some time because that is what He does. Freedom, people. But He beckoned me back because He had more for me! He had a plan! He had something beautiful for me and He didn’t want me to miss out.
Oh, my heart is overwhelmed thinking about HIS pursuit of me! Even when I had given up on Him, He never left my side and never stopped pursuing me.
Here’s what I want to say until we get to part 2 of this breaking up part:
If you are pursuing God’s plan for your life, sometimes things will hurt. Sometimes, things will not make sense. There will be times when you feel crushed under the weight of all of the trials of this life. You will experience pain, you will mourn, you will question, and you will probably even doubt. But oh beautiful one, there is more. Spring always follows the winter. God always pursues His children, and He will guide you through. Do not try to rush the process or to rush to forget the hurt. Learn from it, grow from, become better because of it.