breaking up [and moving on].

Catch up with the part I and part II of this breakup series.

I talked about breaking up and allowing yourself to feel during the season post-breakup.

Moving on begins the minute the relationship ended. As I mentioned in part II, you have to allow yourself to at least acknowledge your feelings before you can move past them. Again, do not allow yourself to sin as a result of your negative feelings, and don’t get stuck in them. But DO allow yourself to feel them, if just for a moment, and then choose joy and hope.

The moving on process is on-going and it is so beautiful, especially when hope starts overwhelming all the ugly feelings. Almost immediately (thank you Lord) I started feeling hopeful and joyful about what God had planned for me. I knew that if that relationship wasn’t for me, there was a reason. And although I believe I was the cause of the pain (I shouldn’t have dated this man in the first place and I definitely shouldn’t have gotten so involved) in the first place, I also saw how God had pursued me and never let me go even in my disobedience. Therefore, I knew He had something great planned for me! And He does for you too!

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So, again immediately, I decided to grow and become better through the experience of dealing with the breakup and moving on. For starters, I began this blog to share what I was learning in case it could benefit someone else. I spent my new free time reading and spending time with God. I thought about how I wanted to change and how I wanted to grow and who I was becoming each day. When you break up you get the chance to redefine yourself. This was my chance to figure out who I am (again, but at a new stage in life) and figure out who I wanted to be. I needed to define somethings for myself so that in any future relationship, romantic or otherwise, I would not compromise or try to change but that I would know I was loved just because of who I was.

Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. – Maya Angelou

Make a list of your weaknesses and your strengths. Make a list of things you want to do and the qualities you want to have. Choose this time to pursue your dreams and to do good for others.

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Breaking up isn’t easy. Let’s be real, it sucks. But when you choose joy (shout out to Amy and Bobby from the Bobby Bones Show! #pimpinjoy) you will find hope and you will grow. Growth is good!

related posts: Holding Patterns, Beauty no Matter the Season I, Beauty no Matter the season II, Lessons in Waiting

breaking up [the good part].

In the first part of this break up series I just barely talked about it being hard, even though I called it the hard part. Breaking up will almost always be hard because it is a change – no matter whether or not you wanted the breakup. Like I said, the last end of a relationship I had, I wanted. But I also hated it because I was losing a best friend and a adventure partner, I was losing someone I loved.

There is a hard part I didn’t touch on, but to me I’m learning it is the good part. When you go through something painful (whether it’s breaking up of a relationship or some other kind of loss) there are often a variety of feelings you go experience. In no particular order, I have felt the following over the time I’ve gone through post-breakup:

  • Anger (why’d you “stop loving me?”)
  • Joy (this is where I am supposed to be, I’m so glad God has a plan for me)
  • Peace (this is where I am supposed to be)
  • Relief (I’m glad God is leading me through this and I’m not alone)
  • Bitterness (why’d that man pursue me and then stop?)
  • Sadness (oh that place and that thing remind me of him)
  • Longing (I want to be loved and pursued)
  • Loneliness (I miss my partner in life, I enjoyed sharing things with him)
  • Regret (why did I waste so much time? Why did I allow myself in that relationship?)
  • Doubt (did I make the right choice? I really wish I hadn’t allowed myself in that relationship)
  • Excitement (whoo!! I wonder what it is God has for me that this relationship had gotten in the way of!?)
  • Hope (there is more to come, after winter always comes spring!)

Here, however, is the good part: ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS ARE OKAY!

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Did you get that? What you are feeling is okay!

I am bad about getting upset with myself for feeling some of those things at times. I feel like I should be over it, or happy about it, and most of the time I am, but I get mad when I feel I’m back pedaling.

Here’s the important part about all your feelings being okay: do not let get hung up on the negative ones and allow yourself to relish the positive ones. For example, I found myself bitter towards the man who had pursued me for some time and then stopped. As I talked to a mentor about this, she pointed out how bitterness is a natural feeling, no matter how good he was and how good the relationship was. If I allow myself to wallow in the bitterness and to wish him harm because of the bitterness, that is not okay.

I think the point is this when you have what you view as a negative feeling: do not push away a feeling. Feel it, consider it, think about it, but do not wallow in it and do not sin because of it. And then… move on. 

read on to the final post.