Catch up with the part I and part II of this breakup series.
I talked about breaking up and allowing yourself to feel during the season post-breakup.
Moving on begins the minute the relationship ended. As I mentioned in part II, you have to allow yourself to at least acknowledge your feelings before you can move past them. Again, do not allow yourself to sin as a result of your negative feelings, and don’t get stuck in them. But DO allow yourself to feel them, if just for a moment, and then choose joy and hope.
The moving on process is on-going and it is so beautiful, especially when hope starts overwhelming all the ugly feelings. Almost immediately (thank you Lord) I started feeling hopeful and joyful about what God had planned for me. I knew that if that relationship wasn’t for me, there was a reason. And although I believe I was the cause of the pain (I shouldn’t have dated this man in the first place and I definitely shouldn’t have gotten so involved) in the first place, I also saw how God had pursued me and never let me go even in my disobedience. Therefore, I knew He had something great planned for me! And He does for you too!
So, again immediately, I decided to grow and become better through the experience of dealing with the breakup and moving on. For starters, I began this blog to share what I was learning in case it could benefit someone else. I spent my new free time reading and spending time with God. I thought about how I wanted to change and how I wanted to grow and who I was becoming each day. When you break up you get the chance to redefine yourself. This was my chance to figure out who I am (again, but at a new stage in life) and figure out who I wanted to be. I needed to define somethings for myself so that in any future relationship, romantic or otherwise, I would not compromise or try to change but that I would know I was loved just because of who I was.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. – Maya Angelou
Make a list of your weaknesses and your strengths. Make a list of things you want to do and the qualities you want to have. Choose this time to pursue your dreams and to do good for others.
Breaking up isn’t easy. Let’s be real, it sucks. But when you choose joy (shout out to Amy and Bobby from the Bobby Bones Show! #pimpinjoy) you will find hope and you will grow. Growth is good!
related posts: Holding Patterns, Beauty no Matter the Season I, Beauty no Matter the season II, Lessons in Waiting
In the first part of this break up series I just barely talked about it being hard, even though I called it the hard part. Breaking up will almost always be hard because it is a change – no matter whether or not you wanted the breakup. Like I said, the last end of a relationship I had, I wanted. But I also hated it because I was losing a best friend and a adventure partner, I was losing someone I loved.
There is a hard part I didn’t touch on, but to me I’m learning it is the good part. When you go through something painful (whether it’s breaking up of a relationship or some other kind of loss) there are often a variety of feelings you go experience. In no particular order, I have felt the following over the time I’ve gone through post-breakup:
- Anger (why’d you “stop loving me?”)
- Joy (this is where I am supposed to be, I’m so glad God has a plan for me)
- Peace (this is where I am supposed to be)
- Relief (I’m glad God is leading me through this and I’m not alone)
- Bitterness (why’d that man pursue me and then stop?)
- Sadness (oh that place and that thing remind me of him)
- Longing (I want to be loved and pursued)
- Loneliness (I miss my partner in life, I enjoyed sharing things with him)
- Regret (why did I waste so much time? Why did I allow myself in that relationship?)
- Doubt (did I make the right choice? I really wish I hadn’t allowed myself in that relationship)
- Excitement (whoo!! I wonder what it is God has for me that this relationship had gotten in the way of!?)
- Hope (there is more to come, after winter always comes spring!)
Here, however, is the good part: ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS ARE OKAY!
Did you get that? What you are feeling is okay!
I am bad about getting upset with myself for feeling some of those things at times. I feel like I should be over it, or happy about it, and most of the time I am, but I get mad when I feel I’m back pedaling.
Here’s the important part about all your feelings being okay: do not let get hung up on the negative ones and allow yourself to relish the positive ones. For example, I found myself bitter towards the man who had pursued me for some time and then stopped. As I talked to a mentor about this, she pointed out how bitterness is a natural feeling, no matter how good he was and how good the relationship was. If I allow myself to wallow in the bitterness and to wish him harm because of the bitterness, that is not okay.
I think the point is this when you have what you view as a negative feeling: do not push away a feeling. Feel it, consider it, think about it, but do not wallow in it and do not sin because of it. And then… move on.
read on to the final post.